Our relationship
had gone to the next level – Mike invited me to meet his parents. One Sunday afternoon, we joined his family
for a picnic in the park. In attendance
were his father, mother, brother, 3 sisters, a brother-in-law and 7-year-old
nephew. Although everyone appeared
friendly, I felt instant discomfort and intense scrutiny. Afterward, I learned that his parents would
not and could not tolerate me as their son’s girlfriend. Once out of my presence, they voiced their
anxiety, questioned his judgment, and “forbid” him to see me again.
This was extremely
difficult on Mike. We had already
processed together that there might be complications of us dating but he was
not prepared for their extreme negative reaction. He also held a high-level position as the
building engineer in charge of many departments in the construction of
high-rise office buildings. He became
apprehensive that his employer would have the same reaction and question his
ability to make good judgments.
Ultimately though he worried about the toll these reactions it would
have on me.
I could tell Mike
was struggling. He was not prepared for
his parents’ reaction, and it hurt him deeply.
I explained that their reaction was not all that unusual really. I told him that I was confident his parents
would accept and like me once they got to know me. As far as I was concerned, his job would pose
no issue at all. Despite my efforts,
however, Mike was not convinced. He
began to withdraw. Our dates went to
every other weekend and even longer.
Shortly afterward,
Mike announced to me that he intended to never marry even though that subject
had not yet come up between us. His
focus had clearly shifted to protecting me from the prejudice he blamed himself
for causing. The option to date around
was proposed. He theorized that since I
had limited experience in the dating field, I was rather unqualified to really
know who or what I was looking for in a life partner. He was quite creative in his efforts to
convince me that he had lost interest in us.
I did not believe him – not for a minute.
Despite his
proclamation that he would never marry, Mike and I continued to see each other
off and on for several more years. He no
longer spoke of me to his parents, and they seemed satisfied that we had broken
up. Unfortunately, however, Mike had
also convinced himself that marrying me was not an option and he often reminded
me to date other people. I saw no logic
in this – his actions and his words were so different.
Still, Mike thought
it best that we break up so I could move on and forget about him. So we did.
I was miserable. Mike was
miserable too but he honestly believed that this was the best thing for both of
us. I understood all too well that he
alone had to come to terms with the reactions that his family and others would
have about us. I also knew we were
hopelessly in love so I tried to remain optimistic that we would be together
again.
During this
particularly painful breakup, Mike’s mom called me out of the blue. It had been many years since I saw her in the
park. The call frightened me. She quickly got to the point and very
deliberately asked if I knew what was wrong with Mike. She wondered if I knew why he had become so
withdrawn and depressed and never visited his family anymore. My heart ached when I heard this. “Yes, I know the answer,” I told her. Trying to hold back tears, I said, “Mike is
withdrawn and depressed because we broke up.
He believes this is necessary because of negative reactions to our
relationship.” Very matter-of-factly,
his mom replied, “Yes. It is for the
best. We can all accept you as Mike’s
friend but we cannot accept you as Mike’s wife.” It was as if she didn’t even hear me. I spoke a little louder as I said, “If Mike
and I are meant to be together, it will happen no matter who thinks what.”
During the time we
were apart, I took the opportunity to date around as Mike had insisted. It was the early 1980s and I joined the
free-loving crowd and became a bit “adventurous” in the dating world but
nothing came of any of these one-night stands.
After all, I had no intention of dating other men. I did not want to date around. I would never understand how this sexual
freedom could be helpful to my relationship with Mike. I did not desire anyone else. I told myself over and over that I had to be
patient until he came to terms with the fact that he wanted me.
