Dating With a Disability, Part 4 of 5

Though the issue of what others thought remained unresolved, Mike and I could not be separated very long.  We got back together and continued to see each other without announcing it to anyone.  We always had a great time.  We talked on the phone almost nightly.  However, if the subject of marriage came up, he persisted with his mantra that we would never get married.  He finally asked what it would take to convince me of this.  Very flippantly, I said, “You will either have to marry someone else or die.”  I was becoming quite impatient with his logic now.  Decision time was here for him.

Incredibly, Mike’s decision was to marry another woman he had known for exactly 3 months.   He drove down from Los Angeles to tell me.  This was one of the most difficult nights of my life.  Later I learned it was very difficult for him as well.

He reasoned that this was the only solution, the only way for me to move forward and forget about ‘us.’  On some level that was true – in my heart I knew our love was strong and that he truly believed this was the only way for us to move on.  However, I wanted some answers.  I was very angry and hurt and did not understand.  I asked many questions in rapid succession, giving him little time to answer.  “Why was this happening?  Do you love her?  How can you possibly know you want to marry her in such a short time?  I thought you were never getting married!”  Everything he said sounded so trite and he knew it.  Finally, I blurted out the hard question because I needed the answer.  “Is this person easier for your parents to look at or accept into the family?”  With his head hung, he hesitated briefly before saying, “Yes.”  At least he was honest.  I told him that was ludicrous and that he was making a huge mistake.  On some level, he knew that too.  Within the hour, he was on his way back to Los Angeles.

My world shattered.  Everything I thought I knew was compromised.  How could I have been so wrong?  How could have I been so ignorant to think it was at all possible for me to find a husband?  What else had I been ignorant in thinking?  Devastation overwhelmed me.

Five weeks later, on New Year’s Eve, Mike got married.  Several compassionate friends came over and sat with me on this tumultuous day.  Once the tears started, they would not stop.  I cried until I absolutely could cry no more.  My friends joined my pity party, listened all day to my epiphany about the unfairness of the world, how stupid I had been, why me, poor me, etc.  Every few minutes, I would place myself in Mike’s world and wonder what he was doing.  My heart ached like it never had before.

Needless to say, my outlook on life took an abrupt downward turn.  I no longer believed that my attempts to be “normal” mattered in the slightest or were worth any effort.  After all, my missing limbs had already cost me a well-deserved promotion and the only man I ever loved.  I could not muster any more fortitude, strength or determination to cope with ordinary daily struggles.   My positive attitude had been gravely wounded.  Pessimism was consuming me.

I thought about Mike every day, constantly.  One day, I became obsessed with depressive thoughts during my drive down the Pacific coast.  I envisioned driving into the ocean.  I wondered if my van would get stuck in the sand.  I wondered how long it would take for my van to sink.  Was this suicidal ideation?  I didn’t care.  Still a faint voice in my head kept nagging at me, “If you change your mind, how will you get back to shore?”

So…just in case this dilemma presented itself again, I signed up for swimming lessons at the YMCA.  I was so very deathly afraid of water so I reasoned that for at least 1 hour a week, my focus would go from ruminating about Mike to making sure I didn’t drown.  It worked!  I learned how to swim.  The deep end, the shallow end – it didn’t matter.  I could not reach the bottom of the pool at any depth.  I was sure I would never float, but I was wrong.  It took a while to turn from front to back and then back to front but eventually I got the hang of it.  Swimming with one arm propelled me in a circle and it took some time to use force that matched the shorter arm so that I would go forward.

I began to look forward to my swimming lesson and the 1-hour break from the Mike heartache each week.  Unfortunately, there were still many hours in the day.

Dating With a Disability, Part 3 of 5

Our relationship had gone to the next level – Mike invited me to meet his parents.  One Sunday afternoon, we joined his family for a picnic in the park.  In attendance were his father, mother, brother, 3 sisters, a brother-in-law and 7-year-old nephew.  Although everyone appeared friendly, I felt instant discomfort and intense scrutiny.  Afterward, I learned that his parents would not and could not tolerate me as their son’s girlfriend.  Once out of my presence, they voiced their anxiety, questioned his judgment, and “forbid” him to see me again.     

This was extremely difficult on Mike.  We had already processed together that there might be complications of us dating but he was not prepared for their extreme negative reaction.  He also held a high-level position as the building engineer in charge of many departments in the construction of high-rise office buildings.  He became apprehensive that his employer would have the same reaction and question his ability to make good judgments.  Ultimately though he worried about the toll these reactions it would have on me. 

I could tell Mike was struggling.  He was not prepared for his parents’ reaction, and it hurt him deeply.   I explained that their reaction was not all that unusual really.  I told him that I was confident his parents would accept and like me once they got to know me.  As far as I was concerned, his job would pose no issue at all.  Despite my efforts, however, Mike was not convinced.  He began to withdraw.  Our dates went to every other weekend and even longer. 

Shortly afterward, Mike announced to me that he intended to never marry even though that subject had not yet come up between us.  His focus had clearly shifted to protecting me from the prejudice he blamed himself for causing.  The option to date around was proposed.  He theorized that since I had limited experience in the dating field, I was rather unqualified to really know who or what I was looking for in a life partner.  He was quite creative in his efforts to convince me that he had lost interest in us.  I did not believe him – not for a minute. 

Despite his proclamation that he would never marry, Mike and I continued to see each other off and on for several more years.  He no longer spoke of me to his parents, and they seemed satisfied that we had broken up.  Unfortunately, however, Mike had also convinced himself that marrying me was not an option and he often reminded me to date other people.  I saw no logic in this – his actions and his words were so different. 

Still, Mike thought it best that we break up so I could move on and forget about him.  So we did.  I was miserable.  Mike was miserable too but he honestly believed that this was the best thing for both of us.  I understood all too well that he alone had to come to terms with the reactions that his family and others would have about us.  I also knew we were hopelessly in love so I tried to remain optimistic that we would be together again. 

During this particularly painful breakup, Mike’s mom called me out of the blue.  It had been many years since I saw her in the park.  The call frightened me.  She quickly got to the point and very deliberately asked if I knew what was wrong with Mike.  She wondered if I knew why he had become so withdrawn and depressed and never visited his family anymore.  My heart ached when I heard this.  “Yes, I know the answer,” I told her.  Trying to hold back tears, I said, “Mike is withdrawn and depressed because we broke up.  He believes this is necessary because of negative reactions to our relationship.”  Very matter-of-factly, his mom replied, “Yes.  It is for the best.  We can all accept you as Mike’s friend but we cannot accept you as Mike’s wife.”  It was as if she didn’t even hear me.  I spoke a little louder as I said, “If Mike and I are meant to be together, it will happen no matter who thinks what.” 

During the time we were apart, I took the opportunity to date around as Mike had insisted.  It was the early 1980s and I joined the free-loving crowd and became a bit “adventurous” in the dating world but nothing came of any of these one-night stands.  After all, I had no intention of dating other men.  I did not want to date around.   I would never understand how this sexual freedom could be helpful to my relationship with Mike.  I did not desire anyone else.  I told myself over and over that I had to be patient until he came to terms with the fact that he wanted me.